Peace Be With You

This has been one of my darkest years. For some,  or maybe even for all, that statement may be hard to believe.

However, in darkness, there is growth. In darkness, there is hope, and a light at the end of the tunnel.

Getting to where I’m at now wasn’t easy; I can’t tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep at night, or, if I didn’t sleep, how many nights I spent awake with a consumed mind. I had hoped for a better future, for things to change, praying that I’d get my best friend back. The happiest of memories would come rushing to me – the colorful streets of San Francisco,  the spontaneous nights out, the quiet nights in- and I had often found myself painting this beautiful picture in my mind. Little did I know that this picture would not exist.

I strived for this picture – I didn’t force it, I simply never gave up, no matter what came our way. I had always believed in him,  despite of what he thought of himself.

I couldn’t give up on someone who was a huge part of my growth. He was someone who believed in me, knew my strengths, my weaknesses, what I wanted for the future,  my stories, ideas – everything. He gave me so much confidence in myself, challenged me to do better, gave me new ideas and advice.

Though I never really need someone to take care of me, he did anyway.

Though I certainly was never perfect, he called me his “angel” anyway.

Though I believed in him no matter what, he wouldn’t believe in himself.

I tried everything; when he needed space, I’d give him space. When he wanted me back in, I’d come rushing back, or if he wanted to see me, I’d welcome him with open arms.

Then,  this cycle started to become vicious and exhausting; more fights and misunderstandings had aroused. Slowly, I really could no longer recognize my best friend, let alone, I started to not recognize myself.

The more time I had spent alone, the more time I had to think and pray; the more time I had to consider where all of this was really going. There was really only one way to really break this “curse.”

       From the Movie “Beautiful Creatures”

I had to sacrifice what was so dear to me, something I had put so much love and energy into. The more I had realized this, the more selfless I became. The relationship was no longer about our happiness anymore, it was about him. His unhappiness with himself made me unhappy. How could he not love himself? Why couldn’t I make him see it?

I wish I had the power to change his mind, to make him see how beautiful he really is. The harsh reality of it all was i couldn’t. This is where I had to decide to let go. I knew that in order for him to get better, ever, I’d have to step away and let him create his own light.

Some days are truly easier than others. Some days, I am able to escape the pain. Other days, it quietly creeps up on me, and I quickly have to remind myself that I made the right decision because it was the decision that benefitted not just one, but the both of us.

Sometimes,  it’s a bit hard to stay positive when you’ve essentially created your own wound. It’s even A bit hard to not be bitter. However,  how could I be bitter about a relationship I could never,  ever regret? I’ve learned so much from it–most importantly, I’ve learned to truly love; it really is selfless, it’s putting yourself out there and not being afraid; it’s courageous, uplifting, and it’s never spelled, but felt. Trust me, even when you try to spell it,  it only ever ends up spelling T.I.M.E anyway.

I do not know what lies ahead for either of us. I cannot hope for him back, but I cannot hope for someone new either. I can hope, though,  that God will put the right person for me in my life. I can hope for pure happiness and exactness and a strength to go forward with faith. With peace.

Lastly…

Peace be with you.