Open Eyes; Until it Looks Right.

Source: Open Eyes; Until it Looks Right.

Open Eyes; Until it Looks Right.

I remember coming home Thursday being so excited to see you. I had gifts and stories for you, all from San Francisco. I couldn’t wait to show you pictures, tell you all about where I went, and just how well I conquered the city alone. I was hoping you’d be proud, though I knew you’d never say it out loud. I was fussy about seeing you, I knew that I was, and we didn’t really do a whole lot that night; it didn’t matter. I was just happy that I was finally home to see you.

As you were leaving for work the next morning, I had noticed that you kissed me differently, a lot more than usual. Your usual peck turned into five kisses in a row.

I thought to myself that morning about how much I loved where everything was going; our relationship was growing, it was on the “up and up,” and heading in the right direction. Sure, we fought a lot over petty things, but we had overcome them. Yes, we had been on and off, but we were somehow always brought back together. We were, I thought, a great example of a beautiful, successful relationship, because we were two great forgivers.

I then just so happened to notice that you had left your phone. “Oh, what a dufus” I said to myself as I picked it up.

I wanted to leave a funny picture on there, but then that little message button caught my eye. From there, it was like the “real me” had left, and in had come “my agent.”

What was wrong with me? Had I lost control? One part of me was saying “you need to put this down. Stop it!”

My agent? “No can do. Investigation needs to proceed.”

Why? Was it the nightmares that were stuck in my head? The fact that I didn’t trust this “friend” of yours?

My first red flag was that she was listed under an abbreviation. B.O.M.E? What could that possibly stand for?

I clicked on the series of messages. I scrolled and scrolled…and that’s where I saw it: you telling her that I wasn’t your girlfriend. Wait, what? Didn’t we discuss in late June that I was? Didn’t you just introduce me to your good friends and best friends as your girlfriend? Even your family?

My head began to spin. I’m reading through, and I felt as if my nightmare was coming alive. I was shaking; all I could do was panic. She was asking you so many personal things about us; if we were kissing, if we were together, and why did I post that picture on instagram calling you my boyfriend?

She asked you to come over to talk, to go pick up a family member, to stop lying to her–

All I thought was “Oh my God, you cheated on me.” There began the crisis. Hot tears began to flood my eyes, I called out of work, I was practically hyper-venelating, weak. I immediately started gathering my things, I packed up my dog, and I left you that note on your bed. Lastly, I sent her a text message from your phone. I couldn’t wrap my head around this.

It made sense, but it didn’t. The next thing I know is I’m home, I’m getting emails from her confirming my fears, calling you a liar, making everything come true.

Then it just got worse. You begged me to talk, and I refused. You thought I was erasing you, but I wasn’t. I had never seen you fight so hard for something. I kept asking myself “why? Why are you doing this?” I thought you had been unfaithful, I thought she had been telling the truth…I soon realized that I had fell for her trap, again. And, this time, I know the hole I am in is deep.

It was absolutely sickening to find out that this “friend” of yours had twisted everything, and enjoyed being destructive and selfish. It was terrible to find out how badly you were hurt.

No, you shouldn’t have lied and told her that we weren’t in a relationship. Yes, you should’ve told her the truth. I do understand that you were trying to be protective. It angered me, but I forgive you. I now see that, all along, I should have fully trusted you. Now, it’s like my hands are covered in blood.

When I sit here and think back on it, how could I even doubt your love? After all, it was you who helped me when I had no food. It was you who, every once in a while, could lend me a little money when I was struggling. You had taken care of me when I was sick, had taken me to the ER, traveled with me to San Francisco at the start of our relationship. You had put up with my own personal struggles when you absolutely did not have to. You saw the bigger picture.

How I wish that this could’ve gone differently. I wish last weekend would have gone as you had planned it to. I wish I was still your date to the wedding that you’re in. I wish I was right next to you, simply enjoying spending time with you.

I do not write this to air “dirty laundry,” or to let everyone get in our business.

I write because my eyes have been opened. They have been opened to one of my bad habits, which seems to be to jump to conclusions. It’s terrible. My eyes have been opened to how you feel about me. I know you love and care deeply. And, I hope that, truly, your eyes have been opened to the truth about your friend. Maybe what I’m about to say is taking it “too far,” but almost wouldn’t hesitate to call her…evil. Twisted.

So, here we are, having to rebuild. There are cracks in the foundation, and the walls have been broken. Though it will not be overnight, I believe that it can be done sooner than later. We each know what we must do. I am certainly a firm believer in what is meant to be, will work. We will rebuild, until it looks right.