Warrior Within

I lay on the ground hearing the sound

of struggled breathing

tears falling

lying at my teachers feet, admitting defeat.

“This is not who you are-you have come so far, too far

to lie here weak, it’s my guidance that you seek.”

I cried, “I’m still encompassed by darkness, captured by my mind-I fail everything, I cannot find

my strength, wisdom, open mind.”

“Listen to me, and you will see,” began my teacher

“I can show you what you truly seek and see I speak

only truth, so listen close:

you must remember who you are, look within, so you do not lose your happiness again.

Look around, there’s nothing left to fear, cry no more tears, hear

me.

You are loved, you are strong, every battle you’ve completed, undefeated.

There’s nothing you can’t accomplish, and this- this is my wish

for you.

That you realize all of this, rediscover your happiness.

Awaken! Awaken, my Warrior.

Look towards the sun. Grow, learn, there’s no reason to run.

Remember, I’m always here.”

And I, a warrior, stood firm on my feet, ready for any challenge I may meet, hearing my heart beat

with life, feeling the light 

within me-me, once a wounded warrior

now here to tell you: do not let darkness encompass you-you are too precious to let challenges beat you down.

You were born and built with armor, hold your head in honor, claim the hour-

claim it all: the dark, the light, yourself. Don’t lose you, your kindess, your valor.

You see, we all have goals, destinies, dreams-we cannot get there with negativity.

Do not lose sight of the path you seek, even when it seems bleak, darkness leaked.

The light shines bright

in you.

So now, my warriors, go forward with faith. 

Reclaim your crown and your strength.

Reclaim your throne.

👑

© Bobbi Méchelle Haskins

Open Eyes; Until it Looks Right.

I remember coming home Thursday being so excited to see you. I had gifts and stories for you, all from San Francisco. I couldn’t wait to show you pictures, tell you all about where I went, and just how well I conquered the city alone. I was hoping you’d be proud, though I knew you’d never say it out loud. I was fussy about seeing you, I knew that I was, and we didn’t really do a whole lot that night; it didn’t matter. I was just happy that I was finally home to see you.

As you were leaving for work the next morning, I had noticed that you kissed me differently, a lot more than usual. Your usual peck turned into five kisses in a row.

I thought to myself that morning about how much I loved where everything was going; our relationship was growing, it was on the “up and up,” and heading in the right direction. Sure, we fought a lot over petty things, but we had overcome them. Yes, we had been on and off, but we were somehow always brought back together. We were, I thought, a great example of a beautiful, successful relationship, because we were two great forgivers.

I then just so happened to notice that you had left your phone. “Oh, what a dufus” I said to myself as I picked it up.

I wanted to leave a funny picture on there, but then that little message button caught my eye. From there, it was like the “real me” had left, and in had come “my agent.”

What was wrong with me? Had I lost control? One part of me was saying “you need to put this down. Stop it!”

My agent? “No can do. Investigation needs to proceed.”

Why? Was it the nightmares that were stuck in my head? The fact that I didn’t trust this “friend” of yours?

My first red flag was that she was listed under an abbreviation. B.O.M.E? What could that possibly stand for?

I clicked on the series of messages. I scrolled and scrolled…and that’s where I saw it: you telling her that I wasn’t your girlfriend. Wait, what? Didn’t we discuss in late June that I was? Didn’t you just introduce me to your good friends and best friends as your girlfriend? Even your family?

My head began to spin. I’m reading through, and I felt as if my nightmare was coming alive. I was shaking; all I could do was panic. She was asking you so many personal things about us; if we were kissing, if we were together, and why did I post that picture on instagram calling you my boyfriend?

She asked you to come over to talk, to go pick up a family member, to stop lying to her–

All I thought was “Oh my God, you cheated on me.” There began the crisis. Hot tears began to flood my eyes, I called out of work, I was practically hyper-venelating, weak. I immediately started gathering my things, I packed up my dog, and I left you that note on your bed. Lastly, I sent her a text message from your phone. I couldn’t wrap my head around this.

It made sense, but it didn’t. The next thing I know is I’m home, I’m getting emails from her confirming my fears, calling you a liar, making everything come true.

Then it just got worse. You begged me to talk, and I refused. You thought I was erasing you, but I wasn’t. I had never seen you fight so hard for something. I kept asking myself “why? Why are you doing this?” I thought you had been unfaithful, I thought she had been telling the truth…I soon realized that I had fell for her trap, again. And, this time, I know the hole I am in is deep.

It was absolutely sickening to find out that this “friend” of yours had twisted everything, and enjoyed being destructive and selfish. It was terrible to find out how badly you were hurt.

No, you shouldn’t have lied and told her that we weren’t in a relationship. Yes, you should’ve told her the truth. I do understand that you were trying to be protective. It angered me, but I forgive you. I now see that, all along, I should have fully trusted you. Now, it’s like my hands are covered in blood.

When I sit here and think back on it, how could I even doubt your love? After all, it was you who helped me when I had no food. It was you who, every once in a while, could lend me a little money when I was struggling. You had taken care of me when I was sick, had taken me to the ER, traveled with me to San Francisco at the start of our relationship. You had put up with my own personal struggles when you absolutely did not have to. You saw the bigger picture.

How I wish that this could’ve gone differently. I wish last weekend would have gone as you had planned it to. I wish I was still your date to the wedding that you’re in. I wish I was right next to you, simply enjoying spending time with you.

I do not write this to air “dirty laundry,” or to let everyone get in our business.

I write because my eyes have been opened. They have been opened to one of my bad habits, which seems to be to jump to conclusions. It’s terrible. My eyes have been opened to how you feel about me. I know you love and care deeply. And, I hope that, truly, your eyes have been opened to the truth about your friend. Maybe what I’m about to say is taking it “too far,” but almost wouldn’t hesitate to call her…evil. Twisted.

So, here we are, having to rebuild. There are cracks in the foundation, and the walls have been broken. Though it will not be overnight, I believe that it can be done sooner than later. We each know what we must do. I am certainly a firm believer in what is meant to be, will work. We will rebuild, until it looks right.

Peace Be With You

This has been one of my darkest years. For some,  or maybe even for all, that statement may be hard to believe.

However, in darkness, there is growth. In darkness, there is hope, and a light at the end of the tunnel.

Getting to where I’m at now wasn’t easy; I can’t tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep at night, or, if I didn’t sleep, how many nights I spent awake with a consumed mind. I had hoped for a better future, for things to change, praying that I’d get my best friend back. The happiest of memories would come rushing to me – the colorful streets of San Francisco,  the spontaneous nights out, the quiet nights in- and I had often found myself painting this beautiful picture in my mind. Little did I know that this picture would not exist.

I strived for this picture – I didn’t force it, I simply never gave up, no matter what came our way. I had always believed in him,  despite of what he thought of himself.

I couldn’t give up on someone who was a huge part of my growth. He was someone who believed in me, knew my strengths, my weaknesses, what I wanted for the future,  my stories, ideas – everything. He gave me so much confidence in myself, challenged me to do better, gave me new ideas and advice.

Though I never really need someone to take care of me, he did anyway.

Though I certainly was never perfect, he called me his “angel” anyway.

Though I believed in him no matter what, he wouldn’t believe in himself.

I tried everything; when he needed space, I’d give him space. When he wanted me back in, I’d come rushing back, or if he wanted to see me, I’d welcome him with open arms.

Then,  this cycle started to become vicious and exhausting; more fights and misunderstandings had aroused. Slowly, I really could no longer recognize my best friend, let alone, I started to not recognize myself.

The more time I had spent alone, the more time I had to think and pray; the more time I had to consider where all of this was really going. There was really only one way to really break this “curse.”

       From the Movie “Beautiful Creatures”

I had to sacrifice what was so dear to me, something I had put so much love and energy into. The more I had realized this, the more selfless I became. The relationship was no longer about our happiness anymore, it was about him. His unhappiness with himself made me unhappy. How could he not love himself? Why couldn’t I make him see it?

I wish I had the power to change his mind, to make him see how beautiful he really is. The harsh reality of it all was i couldn’t. This is where I had to decide to let go. I knew that in order for him to get better, ever, I’d have to step away and let him create his own light.

Some days are truly easier than others. Some days, I am able to escape the pain. Other days, it quietly creeps up on me, and I quickly have to remind myself that I made the right decision because it was the decision that benefitted not just one, but the both of us.

Sometimes,  it’s a bit hard to stay positive when you’ve essentially created your own wound. It’s even A bit hard to not be bitter. However,  how could I be bitter about a relationship I could never,  ever regret? I’ve learned so much from it–most importantly, I’ve learned to truly love; it really is selfless, it’s putting yourself out there and not being afraid; it’s courageous, uplifting, and it’s never spelled, but felt. Trust me, even when you try to spell it,  it only ever ends up spelling T.I.M.E anyway.

I do not know what lies ahead for either of us. I cannot hope for him back, but I cannot hope for someone new either. I can hope, though,  that God will put the right person for me in my life. I can hope for pure happiness and exactness and a strength to go forward with faith. With peace.

Lastly…

Peace be with you.